I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
