toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
