Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
