Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
