i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
