yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
