Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We left the knife in your bed.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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