have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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