So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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