I could make wine with my vomit
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
