my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
