we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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