OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
