Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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