grandma shit on top of the toilet
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
