So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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