At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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