So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
