Moan for me like Helen Keller
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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