Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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