You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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