Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
