you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
