sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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