Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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