I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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