He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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