fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My vagina just recognized that song.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize