I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
