i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
