Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
