Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
