Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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