watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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