My sheets look like a crime scene.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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