She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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