I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
