Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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