Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
