We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
