do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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