On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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