i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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