At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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