She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
