I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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