I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
