I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
What drink are we having for lunch?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
