I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
