if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
