you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
