My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We had sex on a dog bed..
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
