He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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