He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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