i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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