last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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