Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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