Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize