I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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