I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Two words: nipple clamps
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