He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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