just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I understand Curling. That high.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
