By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Porn is love you can see.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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