Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
